there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
