i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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