haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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