i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
