is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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