my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
