You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
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You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
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I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
40s are totally the cure
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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