Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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