We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
