Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Four minutes until I can fart!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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