When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
