Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
