i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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