Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
