i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
