oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
