THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
