Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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