FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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