My liver just broke up with me...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
