i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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