Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
