Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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