mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
