I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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