He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
