On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
