Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
