I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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