so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
