I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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