its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
