So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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