Where did you get a picture of my penis
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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