I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You need a sexual gate keeper
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
