You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just gift wrapped bread.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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