all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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