There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
