I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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