Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
