PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
