I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
