Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
