if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
