Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
