i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
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She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
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Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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