she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
