God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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