Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
