Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
