note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
