I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
