i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
