I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize