rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
