I think I won the penis lottery.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize