Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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