No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
