the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
