I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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