I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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